TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from area. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Indeed, positive, let's have A different area in which American men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he really should prevent using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You recognize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from House, a element getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting awareness from Global traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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